NUMBNESS TAKES OVER

i am soooo confused.

today I have this conversatin with the food person.

i know what it will be like, i've had it before. it will not bring ma what I whant.

cause what I want is not there yet.

its in my mind.

getting up un the morning, puttimg some gooood music, cooking, storing, dreaming, being within myself.

noon delivering.

then some visiting.

sea, perhaps, in summer long days.

I am afraid I will fall into this numbness and dreaming, just like everyone else.

some landmarks perhaps?

evening courses?

How about my guilt?

What is the worth of my life? what will I deliver? create? be known for?

its more than 3 generations with us now like this.

The guilt and the fear are eating my soul, making holes in my being, reducing me into a happy little robot doing things to please and let them be done with it.

I have invented it as a small girl and have kept it until now.

There is courage in it all right, but I am so smart that it worked beautifully and occupied most of my life.

Something has got to give. Some exstra effort to be there no matter what, to be seen, for my life.

I have to keep the inner pucture, save it, make ie my own, feel its OK.